How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
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After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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