Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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