OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
