Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
