Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
