sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
