Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
