at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
ttyl tear gas
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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