in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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