I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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