I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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