Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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