I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
