Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
