Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
