I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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