Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
