The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
