Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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