by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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