New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
