seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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