at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
wow bdsm is so cute
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
