I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
