I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
