Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
