It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
