dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
