The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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