we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
