im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
