Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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