i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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