Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
