Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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