my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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