my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Two words: blizzard sex
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
