Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
