Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
