his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
