Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
