They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
