I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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