i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
