I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
