you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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