Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize