things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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