true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
