she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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