Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
