Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
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Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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