nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
