just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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