guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
