Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
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you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
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He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We don't watch enough power rangers
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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