Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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