Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
