So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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