I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
