It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
