I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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