I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
